Rating Scale

You're better off talking to the girls at the concession stand

If you glance over on your way out, you've seen enough

Better to sneak into the R-rated movie next door

Bring an ugly date, you actually want to pay attention

Dying won't be so torturous after this masterpiece

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American Wedding | Big Fish | Brokeback Mountain | Brother Bear | Cat and the Hat | Cold Mountain | Freddy vs. Jason | Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire | Hellboy | House of Sand and Fog | Lost in Translation | LOTR: Return of the King | Matrix Revolution | Matrix: Reloaded | Nacho Libre | Pirates of the Carribean | Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith | The Missing | Underworld | V for Vendetta

Movie Reviews

Nacho Libre

This movie may be the best movie ever made, period. It has wrestling monks, which means HOLY GOTHIC ACTION! Someone give these guys an Oscar - no, wait, they deserve a Nobel Peace Prize! Jack Black plays the main character, Nacho, quite exquisitly. His wrestling partner, El Skeletor, is a total spaz. The team is a great dynamic dumbo-duo! I mean, they compliment each other's artistry and wisdom; sophistication is the high point of this movie, and every chick-loving man should model himself after Nacho - his polite and playful demeanor will get the chicks every time! This was such an intellectual excursion that I rushed off to the library for a sizzlin' siesta with a hot librarian mama! I give this movie 5 out of 5 snarks for it's obvious background research using my tips and well-chosen cast. SNARKYCISM IS SPREADING!

V for Vendetta

Why do they always mess up the pretty chicks? Natalie Portman was the hottest thing in that entire movie, even hotter than the fire that burned off Mr. V's face, but they went and ruined her. Whatever, at least I can imagine her in a wig - and she's still hot! My favorite part of the movie was the end, when V swings down on a rope and rescues the girl. That was great - it was just like the Star Wars movie, like when Luke Skywalker rescued Princess Leia. Oops, sorry, I just gave away the ending, didn't I? HA HA HA! I got you, you nerdy bastards! You think I'm actually going to tell you that the chick was evil all along and ended up destroying V!? Hell no, I'm not telling you that! All this is batcrap, I'm not going to tell you the real ending! GO SEE IT FOR YOURSELF! Save your feeble lunch money on this movie, because I KNOW you're not paying rent to live in your parent's basement. If anything, just put down the Fred Meyer lingerie catalog and go see Natalie. If you're gay, just give the money to the ticket window and run away, then read the review below for a good manly movie. I give this movie 4 and a half snarks - I would have given this movie 5, but they cut off her frickin hair. Have you seen her recently!? Another month or two and she'll be back and hot enough for Snarky to gothanize her. UH!

Brokeback Mountain

I don't know why, but this movie just gave me a bit of a... queerish feeling. We were dateless for the night (seems that all the chicks were getting their "beauty" sleep), so me and the other zombie guys decided to hit the theater and check out the latest chick flick (in hopes of finding some hot undead chicks). When we first walked in, we were surprised to see quite a few other guys and no girls. That confused me, but decided to watch it anyway. It was hard to pay attention to the screen, because it seems that some of the dudes were excited about seeing real life cowboys ruggin' it in the mountains. I guess men just want to get back to the real things in life and stop being the pansy-asses they are now. There was one scene that caught my attention, though. The main characters got into a heavy death-defying wrestling match, which, in my opinion, is a very macho thing to do. There was a lot of giggling in the background during that scene, but I still can't figure out why. These guys were rockin! Even though there was a lack of feminine hotness in the theater, this rugged masculine adventure should be viewed by all. Only because I ended up taking home the ticket girl, this movie barely slides into a five-snark slot.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

This is the fourth film in the acclaimed, although not by me, Harry Potter series. I think that J.K. what's-her-name - the writer of these goofy girly stories - should go back to writing them on napkins in some stupid coffee shop. I mean, the first few books must have been done like that, so when the publisher couldn't read her coffee stained scribblings they just made up their own stories. Now that she probably uses regular paper and maybe even a typewriter or computer (yeah, if someone could teach her how to use one - I don't think it's that easy), the publishers are actually using her story. And it sucks! The only cool characters in the film are Snape and Ron. Snape, one of the teachers at Hogfarts, is totally Goth. I mean, this guy is cool, even with my high Snarky Standards. And Ron rocks, too. When Her'whiney' ditches him for some preppy goofball, Ron is like, "whatever, you little witch" (or something that rhymes with 'witch', at least). At least the night I saw this foiled fantasy film wasn't a complete disaster. At the theater I met some fine young adult women and we had so much fun making fun of the movie that we all went back to my Lair and had a Snarky great time. UH!!! Well, because of Ron, Snape, and the girls that won't leave my house (I think they would have better personalities if I made them into zombies!), I give this wimpy wizard movie three Snarks out of five.

Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith

The gothic nation should rise in appreciation to this sick sith movie. Sorry to let the proverbial dead cat out of the bag, but Anakin Skywalker has made his transformation to the dark side - and, here's a bombshell for you: Anakin becomes the cutest bad guy in the galaxy, DARTH VADER. OMG, can you BELIEVE it!? Who would have guessed that the smart, innocent little twerp we saw at the beginning of this saga would become a twisted, morbid freak of nature? This proves that we all have great potential to aspire to better things. My personal scene choice was when Anakin's body was burned up in the lava. That was totally cool, and you could just see him writhing in pain and agony, both physically and spiritually. It was at that point his soul truly turned into the darkness that cannot be stopped. This brought a tear of joy to my eye, as I reminisced about my own dark and painful transformation to the great undead clown I am today. Too bad the babe Padme had to die, because she would have made a wonderful gothic queen to Anakin - no, she would have been even better off in my service. Because of this sad event, I brought home ten extra girlfriends that night to sooth my tortured soul. This movie truly hit home with me, and everyone will like it; or else. Snarky gives this movie an astonishing 5 out of 5 snarks. UH!

Hellboy

This was one HELL-of-a-movie!!! Who cares about the Spiderman sequel, this masterpiece is all you'll never need to see in a superhero action movie. Ron Perlman was the perfect actor for this part because his face is so weird-looking anyway, not much feature-altering makeup was needed. This is a story about a monster unleashed from hell and raised by the US Government to fight evil. I can identify with this character; despite my shockingly beautiful appearance, I'm really a golden-hearted warrior. Hellboy's love interest in the movie is Liz Sherman (Selma Blair), and she is a total hottie! I'm not just saying this because she can control the element of fire, though she certainly could light a flame in my soul. I give Hellboy 5 snarks for the classic storyline and the fire between Hellboy and Liz.

Lost in Translation

This movie should have been "lost in the trash can!" Why in the world would any producer get Sofia Coppola to direct this garbage? Oh yeah, it was a stupid story with a stupid cast (except for Bill Murray - he rocks!), so what better film to give a little daddy's girl - to screw up! Of course, Bill Murray is a legend but he acted like he was going to fall asleep at any moment. Can you blame him? The story sucked! And the leading actress, Scarlett Johansson, was terrible. She was totally boring and wore nerdy clothes. Doesn't she know that you have to be a babe to get away with that? I give this film two snarks - one for Bill Murray, the legend, and one for the date I took to this movie, Elvira. The "Mistress of the Dark" is getting a little old, but she can still rock an undead clown's world!

House of Sand and Fog

Who is running Hollywood anyway!? Everyone's brain has just left the city! I'm renaming this film to "The House of Sand in the Kitty Box". Ben Kingsly should have retired after "Ghandi" (the only good movie he was ever in). In this movie, he plays the person buying Jennifer 'Babe' Connelly's house. Why didn't he buy a train ticket out of Hollywood? That would have made us all happier. OK, here's the rest of the story: blah, blah, blah blah. And I was being generous and up-beat describing that. I'm giving this sorry excuse for a film three Snarks. They are all for Jennifer Connelly. Her loveliness has a special part in the shadowy soul of this superstar clown. She is the only saving grace in this movie. She is a true beauty of darkness. She should stay in movies like "Dark City," where the setting is always at night. Plus, the character she plays is a dingy, dark-haired cuty who doesn't have any real memory of her previous life. Now that's what I call SEXY!!!

Cold Mountain

When I saw this movie, the heater in the theater was broken so it really started to grab my attention as an authentic portrayal of this sorry-ass love story. Jude Law should have stayed in that old Beatles song, and all of the other actors really bit the big one! At leadst there was one good thing about this movie - and that was Nicole Kidman. She rocks! And even though I liked her more when she was "dead" in The Others, she still can give this old black heart a shock, UH! She reminds me of one of my girlfriends last year when we went into the caverns under Bremerton. Why did she have to get attacked by those evil vampire bats!? I'd have to say that it did make her complexion more beautiful, though (except for the red bite marks). Deathly paleness can always bring out the real woman. I give 'Dumb' Mountain four Snarks - all for Nicole; even when she's not dead, she still sends chills up my spine!

Big Fish

This Big Fish story touched the little black heart of Snarky's child within. It reminded me of the extraordinary things that happened when growing up in this mean, cold world that would not try to understand me. Will, the innocent, victimized young man is very much like Snarky, the lonely clown-kid, who was teased and mocked by the other children for having a bright-colored face. This boy's determination proved that even through adversity, outcasts can prevail and get the best chicks of them all (as Snarky has proven many times over and over again). I give this movie four Snarks that hit eerily close to home.

LOTR: Return of the King

First of all, they should have named it "Return of the Queen" because everyone was dressed in drag. This isn’t all a bad thing, though, because they did dress a lot better than my last few girlfriends. Gollum was definitely ‘The King’ in this movie. He was computer generated, which made him better than the real, stupid actors in this freaky flick. I know this review might not go over well with the D&D wimps still living in their parent’s basements, but who cares? I don’t. I give this movie three snarks all for Liv Tyler and the fear of getting my butt kicked by all those dorky fantasy role-playing weirdos.

Cat and the Hat

All the critics hated this movie, and that is the main reason that I saw it. It was actually very different from the book, which made it all the better because Dr. Suess made some of the scariest and creepiest stories ever. When I was a child, my mother read “Horton Heard a Who” to me, and it scared the holy hell out of me!!!! After that tragedy, I was scarred for life and had to watch “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” to bring me back from oblivion. Also, Michael Meyers rocks! Of course, they said it was too ‘dirty’ for little children, but I am a little child at heart, and I just loved it. Like the Cat said in the movie, the mom is totally HOT!!!! This movie definitely deserves 4 and a half snarks – four for the hot mama, and one-half for the kool kat.

Matrix Revolution

This movie rocked! Neo and me are the one, I mean, 'the two'. Oh, whatever! This has to be the greatest sci-fi trilogy ever! And the main reason for this is, of course, the hot chicks in it! Trinity and that other hottie were awesome, not to mention the babes in the background. That's why you can enjoy this film over and over. Just gaze your gothic, over-done dark eye make-up on all those beauties! I know Neo has to save the world, but who cares if we die! With chicks like these, we're all ready in paradise! That's why I gave this film five snarks. Oh, yeah! UH!!!

Brother Bear

What the hell kinda title is that for a movie? That's why I didn't even see this stupid thing. I couldn't 'Bear' it!!! It sucks!!! At least they could try and trick you with a cool title so they could steal your money before you walk out disgusted. I could respect that! But who can respect "Brother Bear"!? The answer is NO ONE! The half of a snark is for the girl that I just saw walking down the street. She's hot and she's 'Bearly' wearing anything!!

The Missing

I was 'missing' during most of this movie. The female usher escorted me out and then we were both 'missing' together. Whoa yeah!! Anyway, while I was leaving I heard some people talking about they movie and they just said "blah, blah, blah, blah." Who cares what they said! Tommy Lee Jones is in it and he rocks! And that's what I said! And I'm the most important person! Four out of Five snarks!

Underworld

Who cares about the plot, the chick is HOT!!! Just for her being in it, Snarky gives Underworld 4 out of 5 snarks.

Pirates of the Carribean

The coolest part of this movie was not the undead skeleton pirate or Johnny Depp's overdone eye makeup; it was clearly the co-starring hot mamma. She couldn't act worth a damn, nor pull off any wild stunts, but she certainly 'shivered-me-timbers' - OH YEAH! UH!!! Snarky gives Priates of the Carribean 4.5 out of 5 snarks.

Freddy vs. Jason

Plain and simple: this movie ROCKS!!! Either of these villans by themselves can be quite boring, but together they form a beautiful union of bloodshed and death more horrific than a stake plunging through the heart of an illustrious female vampire. Snarky gives Freddy vs. Jason 4 out of 5 snarks.

American Wedding

Who the hell came up with this crap!!!??? First of all, the so-called "star" of this movie, Jason Biggs, should be called Jason Piggs, because this is the stinkiest, stupidest movie I have ever seen! As a matter of fact, I didn't even see it because it sucked so much!!! Snarky gives sorry-ass excuse for a movie 5 out of 5 snarks - credit all the snarks to the popcorn maker at the consession stand. She sure buttered me up nice!!!

Matrix: Reloaded

For being the most un-gothic thing I've ever seen, this movie still sparked up my central processor. The story was weird and the fight scenes were wacky, just how I like them. The only problem I have with this movie is that Neo is not 'THE ONE' - SNARKY IS!!! Of course, Trinity is definately my kind of leather lover. Snarky gives Matrix: Reloaded 5 out of 5 snarks.